Changes

It's time for something different. I'm about to switch things up in a big, big way... for the better.

Zoom Zoom, Motherfucker.

R.I.P

R.I.P. GoPro Motorsports camera.

It died an honorable death, somewhere in the stratosphere.

This has little to do with cars or motorsports other than the fact that we destroyed our little camera, but yesterday we decided it would be really neat to attach it to two 3.5" diameter helium balloons, purchased at Party City. Add some duct tape and 800' of kite string, and you've got a pretty cool little apparatus for aerial photography. If i hadn't broken the line, we would've had some epic, epic pictures. It had no problem at all taking out that 800' of string. We launched it at the very highest point we could find, which just happened to be behind my house.

We have no idea where it ended up, but we do know that it is GONE. That little fucker was out of sight in minutes.

Guess it's time for a Craigslist Missed Connections ad. I just hope that whoever finds it, if it's ever found, realizes that there's a memory card in it. There are surely some astonishing pictures on it.

A Tribute to Seafoam

This stuff will do absolutely anything. If you have an old and/or stubborn car, buy it in bulk.

Spark plugs covered in filth? Soak them for five minutes in this stuff. The gunk will come off as a solid mass and float around in the cup. Works wonders for fouled plugs, especially if your plugs cost $80 for a set.

Pour it in the gas tank and blow all of the carbon build-up out gradually. Your car will run on it just fine as a 50/50 mixture.

Buy the aerosol version and connect it to a vacuum line for direct injection. Just plug it in there and crank it.

Flood a rotary? Take two of the plugs out and suck some of this stuff in. You won't believe the filth that shoots out of the spark plug holes and winds up on the garage floor.

Condensation in your gas tank? No problem for this stuff.

Need something new and exciting to mix with liquor?

Gonna take a moment to LOL

At Shell's marketing campaign for their new "Nitrogen-Enriched Gasoline."

"Get the most out of every drop."

Yes, certainly. It seems that their chemistry department and their marketing department have teamed up to sell you gasoline (a combustible) spiked with nitrogen (an inert gas)! And you're dumb enough to buy it! Holy shit!

They're even going to give it an ironic slogan, and you won't even realize the irony!

Nitrogen is something you put in a Stout to give it a nice head. It's also what ~80% of our atmosphere is made up of, as well as... inert.

Skeptical.

Second Best Nissan Commercial, ever

Note: Youtube is having a hard time with the traffic on this one (it got put up on Jalopnik), and it keeps disappearing. Try again later if it doesn't work, although it might get taken down just for the sheer violence involved.

The BEST Nissan Commercial is this one, from the mid-90's:

Yep.

I did it.

Kinda wish I had gone with a wider tire with a smaller sidewall, but this'll do just fine for now. I picked up a nominal 1/2" of extra rubber on each wheel from the last tires I had, not to mention rubber that's exponentially softer and grippier... plus, the wider stance.

More pictures later once I fix this blog layout.

1993 Mazda Miata

Listen, motherfuckers. I'm about to make you fucking respect a goddamn Mazda Miata. In fact, if you are one of the 1.7 people who read this and you still think that the Miata is a car for Gay Hairstylists after reading this, then there is no hope for you in this world. You should unsubscribe immediately and go back to searching Youtube for As I Lay Dying videos, because you will never get it.

You are an insignificant pole-torquing cum dumpster. Tomorrow morning, you will probably unlock the doors to your car and slide into its comfy interior, not knowing that that car is actually your hearse because compared to a fucking Mazda Miata, every car you own from now until the day you keel over and die will be the exact same goddamn platform-sharing piece of shit that Hyundai ever bolted four wheels to. I should rape you.

I'm now going to outline why I think the Mazda Miata is the single greatest fucking sports car of all fucking time (particularly the NA generation, with the cute, pop-up headlights) and you're going to listen because you're sitting in a fucking cubicle and your dad hates you. Hallelujah, faggot.

More actual fucking race car drivers have gotten their start in a Mazda Miata than in any other car, and this is true across every goddamn hemisphere. No matter what kind of shitty god you worship, it's totally cool to drive a Mazda Miata. It is easily the most raced nameplate in the world, along with the best selling sports car of all time. We're talking about an unmatched pedigree in the world of motorsports, and in being completely misunderstood by a generation of completely worthless fucking morons.

Twenty years ago, Mazda introduced an extremely lightweight two-seat sports car with rear wheel drive, a bulletproof 5-speed manual transmission, aluminum four cylinder engine (which has a reputation of it's own for being nearly indestructible and remarkably fuel efficient), world class and even record breaking suspension from the factory, exceptional steering, 50/50 weight distribution, and the chance to finally grow some fucking balls, you dickless weakling. No matter what kind of inbred twit you are, if you can drive a manual transmission, there's a good chance you can drive and have fun in this car. Twenty years later, the formula is unchanged, a lot like your dad's intimate feelings towards other men. It remains one of the only bare bones, take-it-to-the-track cars you can buy these days, unless your name is Jay Leno and you spend a majority of your time waxing your Ford GT with your own watery sperm. Praise fucking Allah.

Go to any grassroots racing event, and it will teem with little red Mazdas, so much like little red fire ants who are bent on consuming and eventually engulfing your naturally curious and only child. They're not there because they're the fastest thing on the track, but rather because they're the most fun and engaging to drive. The Miata is one of the only true sports cars still made today, so don't throw out some bullshit about the Ford Mustang to me because if you do, I will murder you with an ice pick and a woodchipper that I rented from goddamn Hertz Equipment Rental. The Miata doesn't come burdened with bells and whistles, creature comforts, heated dildo seats, a denture cleaning system, or anything else you'd find in a car with similar performance. In some cases, you fucking cumtart, there simply are no other cars with similar performance. This little car holds several records pertaining to handling (yes, such a thing can be measured scientifically with great accuracy you 2012 obsessing jackal) and will regularly outgun quarter-million-dollar exotics in the slalom test, the skidpad test, braking tests, and not being a huge pussy tests. All from a car that can be had for $5,000 on the high end from a shady Clinton Highway used car dealership down next to that creepy strip joint.

Apparently, I'm not the only fucking Einstein who thinks this way. The Miata has won a total of 178 global automotive awards, and is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the most popular sports car ever fucking built. If you can't see why this car is awesome by now, you are fucking retarded.

Commit suicide now, because you will never, ever be good enough. No matter what you do in this world during your time here, it will never hold a fucking candle to what a guy named Tom Matano started almost 30 years ago. Next time you see someone walking through a parking lot back to their Miata, ask them if you can help them with their bags, or maybe polish their cock for them, because they are superior to you.